


almost forever

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:18:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: In no particular order.





	almost forever

**Author's Note:**

> In no particular order.

I

Lexa felt a light tap of fingers on her shoulder. The thought of it was what helped her get through the days that just kept getting longer. She smiled.

On her drive home Lexa feared she would come to find angry Clarke. Fighting and screaming. She deserved it after the past couple of weeks and months. Especially after the day she put her through. Again. They were supposed to have dinner with their families. Lexa promised she’d be there, but instead she missed it like the five times before. She was ready to sit and take anything and everything Clarke threw her way. She hoped at the end of the day she will give in like she always did.

But Clarke was sleeping when she got home. Lexa tiptoed around the apartment, trying her best not to wake her. She even managed to get in the bed without making a sound.

Then she felt those fingers on her back, Clarke’s version of humming.

“I thought you were sleeping.” Lexa murmured.

“I was but then I woke up.” Clarke’s voice was as soft as her touch.

“Hmm.” Clarke’s fingers went down Lexa’s spine and settled on her lower back.

“We missed you at dinner.”

“I’m sorry I missed it.”

“You keep missing it.”

“I’m sorry.” Lexa closed her eyes. She heard a sad sigh drown somewhere on her pillow. She wanted to turn around but was scared of what she might find.

“I miss you.” It was soft and small, nothing like the person who said it. Lexa knew, she just didn’t know how much. “Sometimes I have trouble remembering how your skin feels under my fingers. It would be funny if it wasn’t devastating.”

“It’s just this case. When it’s over it’s going to be different.”

Clarke chuckled. She moved her hand away from Lexa’s back and a tiny piece of Lexa’s heart broke.

“It’s always just this case. It’s been like that for a year.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You already said that.” Clarke said, annoyed.

Lexa waited, she thought if she’d wait long enough then Clarke would forget. But she could hear in the way Clarke was breathing that she was waiting, waiting for Lexa to say something they both knew Lexa wasn’t going to say. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” It was a cheap way out and Lexa hated herself for taking that route, again. Clarke deserved better than cheap excuses.

“I don’t want you to say anything.” Clarke turned on her back, away from Lexa. “There’s nothing you have to say. There are things you can do and you don’t need me to say them.”

“You know I want…”

“Do you know what I want?”

“I do.”

“Do you? Because you stopped asking.” Lexa stayed quiet. “I want to wake up with you next to me. I don’t want half asleep kisses and whispered lies. I want to spend the weekends like we used to and not alone on our couch wishing things I hate myself for. I don’t want to have dinner with your family without you. I just don’t. I don’t want to go to bed alone and think things I know are not true.”

Lexa knew. She saw it in Clarke’s eyes, she heard it in Clarke’s voice. She felt it in her heart. “I love you.”

Clarke sighed. “And I love you. More than anything and anyone.” Lexa knew there was more to come. Thing she feared and had nightmares of. She stopped breathing when Clarke said it. “I don’t know if it will be enough.”

 

II

“I’m nervous.”

They were in the car on their way to Clarke’s parents. It was Lexa’s first time meeting them. She felt nervous and spent half of the previous night not sleeping. It wasn’t her first time meeting the parents but it was the first time meeting Clarke’s and it terrified her because she knew how much they meant to Clarke and she needed them to not hate her. Anything else would break Clarke’s heart.

“You have no reason to be.”

Lexa was driving and Clarke was sitting next to her trying to calm her down.

“Looks who’s talking. You were shaking like a leaf when you were meeting my parents.”

“But you’re fearless.” Clarke put her hand around Lexa’s neck.

“Not when it comes to your father.”

“It’s my mother you should be worried about.” Clarke said.

“Clarke.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Clarke laughed. “You know they will love you.” she brought her hand down into Lexa’s palm and intertwined their fingers.   
“Wouldn’t be so sure.”

Clarke shook her head. “Why?”

“You’re their only child and I’m...”

“Lexa, stop. Whatever you were going to say, don’t. Just relax.” Clarke smiled. “Charm them like you charmed me.”

“You hated me when you first met me.”

“I didn’t hate you.” Clarke chuckled. “I just didn’t like you.”

“Yes, that’s so much better.”

“And then ten minutes later I was in love with you.” Clarke said. “You’ll do just fine. Really. Trust me.”

“The things I do for love.” Lexa chuckled.

 

III

“Lexa?” It was barely audible.

“Yeah baby, it’s me.” Lexa pulled her hand under Clarke’s and hugged her from behind.

“What time is it?”

“A bit after 11.” Lexa buried her face somewhere between Clarke’s hair and neck.

“I fell asleep, I’m sorry.” Clarke tried to turn around but Lexa held her tight.

“It’s okay, sleep.”

“But we’re supposed to go.” Clarke pushed her back into Lexa’s front.

“We’ll go tomorrow.”

“Hmm okay.”

“Sweet dreams.” Lexa said after kissing Clarke’s neck.

“You too.” Clarke said before she fell back to sleep.

Lexa was late again. This time not that much but still enough to be late. They were supposed to go out, drink and dance, do something fun, something just for them, something they hadn’t done in a long time.

“You smell so good.” Lexa said after a couple of minutes. “I’m sorry I’m so absent. And I’m sorry I just keep apologizing. I know there’s no point if I keep making the same excuses.” Clarke was breathing evenly, and Lexa was quiet enough. “You’re so good to me and I keep using it. I don’t know why you keep staying when you deserve so much better. Someone who’ll be there always and not just for a couple of hours.” Lexa closed her eyes and kissed the back of Clarke’s head. “But I love you. I love you so much. My heart hurts but I don’t know what to do. Some days I want to give up and quit and go home to you.” Lexa sighed. “I’ll do better, I promise.” Lexa said and kissed Clarke’s cheek.

“Mmm.” Clarke mumbled out.

“Sleep baby.”

“Love you.”

“Love you more.”

 

IV

“I miss you.”

“I know baby.”

“This morning I almost started to cry in the grocery shop when I saw those damn gummy bears.” she heard Lexa giggle on the other side of the world. “At least one of us finds it funny.”

“It’s not funny, it’s cute.”

“Yeah, so cute.”

“I’ll be back on Monday, that’s only three more days.”

“I’m counting down the minutes.” Clarke bit her lip. “I’m never again letting you go somewhere without me.”

 

V

Lexa woke up to Clarke’s hand on her hip and Clarke’s mouth on her neck. It was probably the mouth that woke her up.

“Hey.” she said, still half asleep.

“Morning.” Clarke whispered in her ear sending goosebumps down Lexa’s body.

“You enjoying yourself?” Lexa smiled when Clarke bit her earlobe.

“Very much.”

“Good. So am I. But don’t get your hopes up.”

“Why?” Clarke pulled away a bit and leaned on her arm.

“I’m too tired.”

“I’ll make you less tired.” Clarke said with her mouth back on Lexa’s neck.

“Clarke I’m really tired.” Lexa rubbed her eyes and yawned. It wasn’t early but it was. She got home late, too late and the only thing she wanted to spend the day in bed, sleeping. And as much as she wanted Clarke she needed sleep more.

“You are always tired.” Clarke sat up, got off the bed and walked in the bathroom.

Lexa laid on her back and stared at the shadows dancing on the ceiling. “Just when I have six 12 hour work days and one day to sleep.”

“I remember a time when that didn’t stop you.” Clarke walked back in the room fully clothed and with hair in a bun. She started to fold clothes hanging from the chairs and bed. Lexa sat up.

“I remember a time when you understood.”

“I don’t want to fight.” Clarke sat down next to Lexa. “I just miss you.” she whispered.

“I know.” Lexa leaned her head on Clarke’s shoulder.

“Can’t you take a day off and… and I don’t know spend it with me. We don’t have to do anything, we can just...” Clarke sighed.

“I’m off now.”

Clarke chuckled. “And totally fine with me not being anywhere near you.”

“That’s not true.”

“If I hadn’t woke you up you would never have noticed I wasn’t in the bed anymore.”

“I’m just really tired.”

“Yeah, so you keep saying.”

“I’m too tired to fight.” Lexa pulled her hand through her hair and took a deep breath.

“We are not fighting.”

“It kinda looks like you want to.”

“What?” Clarke turned her head and looked her straight in the eyes.

“We keep going in circles and you keep mentioning the same shit and I’m too tired for it all, can we do this later.”

“You did not just say that.” Clarke gritted her teeth.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“I think you did and I don’t think you are.” Clarke stood up and looked down at Lexa. She was biting her lip so hard Lexa thought she’d see blood pouring out any second. “I don’t even know why I try.” Clarke walked out and slammed the bedroom door behind her.

 

VI

“I’m so drunk.”

“So am I.”

“You’re so pretty.” Lexa turned her head and smiled at Clarke.

“You’re prettier.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.” Lexa smirked.

Clarke rolled her eyes and then gasped. “Make a wish.”

“What?” Lexa looked at her confused.

“Shooting star.” Clarke pointed her finger at the sky.

“You saw it not me.”

“I’ll make a wish for you.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“That’s how it’s gonna work now.” Clarke closed her eyes and then smiled widely when she looked back at Lexa.

“What did you wish for?”

“That you love me forever.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You love me.”

“I do.”

“I love you too.”

“And you don’t have to make silly wishes. I will love you forever.”

 

VII

“Sometimes I wish I could just hate you.” It was true that things said sometimes hurt more than things done. Lexa felt it on her own skin. “My life would be so much easier without all this shit. I’d be able to live without… I fucking hate this.”

Lexa stared at the rain falling down at the window. It was raining the first time Clarke told her she loved her.

“Do you want me to give you permission?” she tried her best not to blink. The last thing she wanted was for her eyes to betray her.

“For what?” Clarke snapped back at her.

“The one thing you can’t bring yourself to say.”

“Can we have just one conversation where you’re not talking in code and just say the words you want to say.” Clarke walked up to her and stood in front of her. Lexa closed her eyes. “Yeah, be the victim.” Clarke crossed her arms.

“I think you do hate me.”

It was the first time Lexa uttered the words. Hate. Never in her worst nightmares did she think she’d say those six words to Clarke.

“You really think I’d be here if I hated you?”

“It feels a lot like it.”

“I don’t hate you Lexa.” Clarke said. “But if we go on like this I will leave.”

 

VIII

“You taste like chocolate.” Clarke said with her mouth still pressed against Lexa. Her girlfriend smiled.

“Do I?” Lexa kissed her again, slipping her tongue against Clarke’s.

“And wine.” Clarke smiled.

“You taste like heaven.”

 

IX

“Okay, what’s going on with you two? You haven’t said a word all night. What’s wrong?” Every single person sitting at the table looked up and at Clarke and Lexa. Anya was the one asking the questions.

“Nothing.” Clarke said.

“I’m just tired.” Lexa added.

“Cut the crap. Something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong Anya.” Lexa looked at her friend.

“I agree with Anya.” Raven leaned back in her chair. “Something’s up.”

“And what would that be?” Clarke asked, annoyed.

“You’re not talking to each other.”

“We have nothing to say.” Clarke said.

“Oh.” Anya looked at Clarke, then at Lexa, and back to Clarke. “You’re not talking to each other. That’s new.”

“Happens.” Clarke said before emptying her glass.

“Okay.”

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Lexa got up. She briefly looked at Clarke before walking away.

“What’s going on Clarke?” Lexa heard Raven’s voice. She leaned on the wall around the corner and took a deep breath.

“Nothing Raven. Can you just let it go.” Clarke sighed.

“Something is wrong, why won’t you say what?”

“We got into a fight, that’s all.”

“That seems to be happening a lot lately.” Anya said.

“What was it about?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. It’s like we can’t have a normal conversation anymore.” Clarke said, sounding sad and defeated. Lexa rubbed her temples. “She’s always working.”

And then Clarke said it. “I don’t know how much more I can wait.”

 

X

“You’d be crazy not to say yes.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Lexa, it’s what you’ve been working for your entire life.”

“Maybe it is, but I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what?”

“It will be hard. I’ll be away and we won’t have time like we have now. I think I want that more than I want the job.”

“You can have both.”

 

XI

“I don’t want to lose you but you’re slipping away.” Clarke whispered to an empty room after she heard Lexa turn on the shower. “I feel so stupid for every single thing I wanna say and every feeling I shouldn’t be feeling.” Clarke looked around her bedroom. There were pictures with her smiling in every corner of it. “And I was the one who told you to do it. Because I was so scared you were going to hate me if I said anything other than that.” Clarke couldn’t hear the water running anymore. “Now I hate myself.” she whispered before Lexa walked back into the room.

 

XII

“I don’t know what I’d be without you.”

“You’d be Lexa.”

“I’d be a different Lexa.”

“You think?”

“I know. Now I’m Clarke’s Lexa, and that’s the best one I’ve ever been.”

Clarke giggled. “You’re crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy about you.” Lexa grinned. “But honestly I’d never be this version of me if you weren’t with me. I don’t know how to explain it but I really think, I know, this is the best version of me to ever exist.”

“You’re getting sappy.”

“Let me live.” Lexa pushed her head further into Clarke’s hair. “And let me tell you how much I love you.”

“Okay. Tell me.” Clarke dragged her fingers up and down Lexa’s arm.

“I’m not a better person because of you.”

“Thanks a lot.” Clarke said.

“Let me finish.” Lexa pulled back. “I’m a better person because you deserve the best.”

“Lexa, I love you, madly, but you make no sense.” Clarke laughed.

Lexa sighed. “I know.”

“I think I know what you’re trying to say.” Clarke kissed the top of Lexa’s head. “You are the best.”

Lexa waited a couple of seconds. “That’s all?” she asked confused.

“Yes. You are the best.”

“You really are ridiculous.”

“You’re welcome.”

“No, I am deeply and madly in love with a girl that keeps not taking me seriously.”

“I think the girl knows you already take yourself too seriously so there’s no reason for her to do the same thing.”

“Lucky me to have a girl so smart.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

XIII

“Raven?” Clarke said behind the closed door. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

 

XIV

“Everything looks so small.”

“That’s because we are up high.” Lexa pulled Clarke’s back closer and kissed the back of her neck.

“Wow, I didn’t know.”

“I don’t appreciate the sarcasm.”

“You do.”

“Maybe.”

Clarke smiled and leaned back into Lexa’s arms. “But I didn’t mean physically small. Insignificant was what I was going for.”

“Yeah?” Lexa absentmindedly kissed down the side of Clarke’s neck.

“Everything is when you’re next to me.”

 

XV

“I thought you were my destiny.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any and all mistakes.
> 
> Find me at ordinarklo.tumblr.com


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